Thanks for the great customer service.....really.

So I've been out of town for the past five days. I heard that I missed quite a storm while I was out of town. Those of you that live here can attest to the amount of wind and rain and thunder that accompanied the storm earlier this week. Evidently it struck near my house or my house itself because my router and modem were blown out. Neither work. Nothing else was affected though.
So, the point is that I called my local cable company to report it. After being bounced around from person to person, I finally ended up on the line with a modem specialist. Didn't even know they had those, but here's a recap of our conversation:

The part of the Modem Specialist is to be read in a very bored, nasily voice with a stereotypical Midwestern accent.

Modem Specialist: Thank you for calling ____ . I need your address please.

Me: I'm sorry, did you say address?

MS: Yes.

I give it to her and begin to describe my problem.

Me: Well, I seem to not be getting any power to my modem or to my router. No lights are on, and I am not able to connect. I am not sure if this matters or not, but ever since I got rid of my desk top computer, my lap top has been getting a really weak wireless.......

She interupted me!!!

MS: (now read with a super bitchy voice) Ma'am, ma'am. Please. Your wireless is provided through your cable company. I am here only to help you with your modem. I can not do anything for your wireless. That is a job for....

Two can play at this game...

Me: Okay. So you are my modem person. Well, I'm not getting any power to either the modem or the router so let's.....

AGAIN! I shouldn't have said the "r" word.

MS: Ma'am. I can't help you with your router. I can only help with...

Here goes....

Me: OKAY! I understand. You are my modem person. Let's talk about the modem. It's not working.

She's still talking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MS: ...so if you need help with your router, you'll have to call your cable provider.

OMG!!! I am freaking out now!

Me: OKAY! So let me get this straght. You are my modem person, right?

MS: Right.

Meanwhile, this entire time, I am envisioning a woman with big, blonde hair, lots of pink lipstick on, and her feet kicked up on her cublicle desk. She is constantly smacking on gum (in my vision) and filing her hot pink fingernails. Can't you just see it?

Me: Okay. Then I don't want to talk about the router anymore. I understand you can not help me with that. I want to talk about my modem. I don't want to hear "router" or "wireless" anymore. Let's talk about the modem. No lights are on.

MS: Then I am going to need you to unplug the modem.

As if I hadn't already tried that. However, she wisely avoided the restricted words.

Me: Okay.

MS: Okay, what? Did you unplug it?

Me: Yes you stupid *@^*!! I unplugged the *#&@* thing. Isn't that what you wanted me to do!?

I didn't actually say that last line. But man, was I thinking it. I digress.....

Me: Yes, ma'am. I unplugged it.

MS: Now, I want you to plug it back in. And let me know when the cable light stops blinking.

Me: Okay. Any idea how long this should take? Becuase right now no lights are lit up.

MS: I don't know how long it could take. Which lights are lit up?

Oh, I can't stand it! Who in the hell has she been talking to on the phone!? Clearly not me. Beccause didn't I just tell her no lights are lit up!?

Me: (as calmly as I can possibly stand) Ma'am, no lights are lit up.

MS: None? Hmm. Something's wrong. It isn't getting any juice.

How in the hell did she get this job? And yes, she actually said "juice."

Me: No, ma'am. It's not.

MS: Well, try a different outlet. Maybe it's that.

Look, I am no rocket scientist, but I am also not an idiot. I'd already tried that. But in order to pacify the bitchiest customer service rep in the world, I did what she said.

Me: Okay, nothing happens. I plugged it into a new outlet and still no lights.

MS: Well, then I guess I better put out a service call. The soonest I can get someone out there is Saturday between 3 and 5.

Me: Fine.

MS: But I have to warn you. If they get all the way out there (as if I live in a desolate place) and the problem is not cable related, you WILL be charged the $50 an hour fee.

Me: Okay. I don't really care.

MS: Becuase I just wanted you to understand that if this is something that you've done wrong, such as rewiring, then you'll be charged. Because sometimes people like to go and change the wires and everything gets messed up and our guys have to come in and fix it.

Me: (I am sweating here as I am trying so hard not to yell at this woman) Ma'am, listen. I don't even have a stereo system. I've got a modem, and I've got a router. I realize the router does not fall under your jurisdiction, but those are the only two things I've got plugged in and I assure you that the problem isn't a wiring issue. I appreciate the warning, but I just want to get this fixed.

MS: Well, they'll be there between 3 and 5.

Me: Saturday.

MS: Yeah, Saturday.

Me: Okay, great. Thanks

MS: (suddenly, in a sickeningly sweet voice) Ma'am, while I've got you on the phone, I just wanted to let you know that we do offer digitial phone service in your area for $19.99 a month and you can bundle that with your cable bill............blah blah blah blah blah.

What!?!?!? Like I am going to add a line of service because this woman let me know that it was offered in my area!
1. As if I didn't already know that. As if my cable company doesn't have a monopoly on the market and floods the airwaves with commercials!
and
2. As if I'd buy anything from a supremely hard to get along with person!!!

And they say it takes patience to be a teacher.....