My run-in with the bad (fill in the blank)

Brand names and store locations are not being withheld to protect the innocent because they are not innocent. Brand names and store locations are being given in hopes that improvements will be made in the very near future and others will prevent being scarred like I've been.

1. Chip (and yes, #1, as in there will be a #2 story as well)

Yes, chip, as in tortilla chip. As in "Hey Mom. This bag of chips is empty. Can we open the new bag?"
It all happened last week when I was at Seabrook with my family. We were eating chips and a sausage and cheese dip. Mmmm. Who doesn't like that? So, we are all sitting around the counter and the Fritos Scoops are out. I grab a bag of Tostitos Scoops and open them up. I dip my chip in, covering it in deliciousness, and cram the whole thing in my mouth.

Me: Mom, I think these chips are stale?

Mom: What is that smell? What? The chips are stale? Let me try one.

Why would you want to try a stale chip, I am not sure. It's like that Saturday Night Live skit. Oh my god this tastes so bad! Try it! Oh you're right this is horrible! Try this. And everyone tries it and spits it out.

Sally: (My aunt) What's that smell?

About that time, my mom and I look at each other. It's the chips! We spit everything out in the trash can. And, for reason's I can't explain, we take a big whif of the open bag of chips.

I can not describe it. The smell coming from that bag of Tostitos is unreal. My eyes watered, my eyebrows were singed, my lungs burned. The smell permeated the entire room. It smelled like melted plastic. The chips had actually fermented.

Rett: (another aunt) What? Let me smell.

Again, I can't explain why. She'd just seen what happened to me. And it happened to her too!

The moral of story #1: Tostitos chips are not non-perishable food. I don't know how old they were. Rett admitted to having gotten them out of my grandmother's pantry, if that sheds any light on it.

The effects on me: I had dinner that night at a mexican restaurant in Charleston with my sister and a friend. I love mexican food. I especially love cheese dip and chips and a mexican restuarant. It took me a solid five or six minutes to reach for a chip. Usually that is a reflex for me at a mexican joint. This time, I was a little hesitant. As far as I am concerned, that is emotional distress.

2. Milk

Yes, milk, as in "Man that is going to be a good bowl of cereal."
Obviously, not the way it worked out here.

I bought a half gallon of milk at the local CVS. I love CVS. I spend money there like Alle spends at Target. So, I thought nothing of going to the CVS and buying a half gallon of milk and some Special K cereal a day or so ago. The milk is stamped 08-09-08. Doesn't that mean it expires THREE days from now? Seeing as today is August 6, I figured I was safe. So, I pour me a (big) bowl of cereal this morning and pour in the milk. I will admit, the milk came out looking a little funny. Not clumpy, but it poured out thick.
I know, I know. Red flag number one, right? So I did the old tried and true sniff test, preparing for the absolute worst. And guess what? Smelled like milk to me! It didn't smell bad! I poured a little more in for good measure, and to see what it looked like. Again, a little thick. Ignorantly, I thought "Well, the milk jog is freezing cold. I'll bet that the milk got a little frozen."
So.....I take a huge bite.

My initial reaction: Hmm. This milk isn't cold enough to be frozen.

Then, it hits me. The nastiest, rottenest, most offensive thing I've ever encountered is filling my mouth right now. I almost pulled a Jake and vomited on the floor. But, I held it together. Jake, meanwhile, is sitting on the floor looking up at me with his head cocked sideways, probably wondering why in the hell I am spitting and gagging all of my food back into my bowl and rubbing my tounge with a paper towl to elimintate any residual rotten milk.
I also have no garbage disposal in my house which means I have to eliminate this gross food by dumping it out in the yard. Sorry, but I was in panic mode. When I poured it out, it burned a whole in the concrete. Disgusting.

The moral of story #2: Do not buy your perishable (Tostitos!) food items from CVS. Or, don't trust the expiration date.

The effects on me: I am not sure yet of the long term effects I will suffer from having eaten (not drank, you have to eat thick milk) rotten milk. I have only recently regained my sense of vision. My eyes were watering so bad that I was barely able to find the door through which I threw my poisonous food.