Why I Wish I Was An Ostrich...

Also known as "Times I Wish I Could Stick My Head In The Sand!"

1. Today

Yoga...It was nice! I just got back. I feel very relaxed and stretched out. Not sure I'll be able to afford to go often (I feel you on that RWP!!!), but I really enjoyed it. However, at the very beginning...during the "Oooommmmmmmmmmmm!".....my cell phone rang. In my rush to silence it, I answered it. Not on speaker phone or anything, but my mother has a very loud voice, especially when everyone else is quietly getting in touch with their inner light, and especially when she's yelling "Emily?!?! Emily?!? Are you there??? I'm not sure what's going on?!!"
My face was so red it actually throbbed.

2. Yesterday

Or "Lesson #443,324,590 Why You NEVER Answer Unknown Numbers"

Because that's exactly what I did yesterday evening. The conversation went a little like this:

Caller: Emily? Hey! It's Caller!

Me: Hey Caller!
Who the hell is this?

Caller: How was your Monday?

Me: desperately searching my brain for something that will give me a hint as to who in the world I'm talking to.
Fine. My kids were crazy. Yours?

Caller: Oh, it was fine. Spent the day with my dad. You teach 8th grade, right?

Right off the bat I realize two things: 1) this is obviously someone I've had a conversation with and knows what I do for a living so I should know who this is and 2) he spent some time hanging out with his dad? Hmmm.....unemployed??

Me: Actually 9th.
What the hell is going on!?!??

Caller: Oh yeah, that's right. Wow. I can't believe you actually answered the phone.

Me: Oh really. Ha ha. Ah, why?

Caller: Well, because it was like pulling teeth to get your number Saturday night. You kept telling me you had a boyfriend then suddenly you didn't, then you did....

Saturday night.....Saturday night...hmm...what did I do Saturday night? Oops.

Me: Oh...ha ha...silly me. I don't have a boyfriend.
What the hell did I just do!?!? Go with it Emily! He was giving you an out!!!!! You have a wonderful boyfriend! He's 6'2", muscular, smoking hot and crazy successful! Remember?? Hey, it's my blog....

Caller: You don't!? Oh, that's great! I was hoping we could maybe get together for dinner. How about Thursday?

Me: Ah, Thursday? I'm really not sure just yet. You know...the first week back to school is really hectic.
And just how the hell do you expect me to remember what you look like!?

Caller: That's cool. I'll give you a jingle later on this week.

Jingle?!?!?!! What?!?!!? Who says that??

Me: Sounds great. Talk to you then....
if I answer this time...

3. Last week

Or "Why Not To Neglect To Pick Up Food That You Drop In Your Lap!"

Last week, I went to Charleston for New Years. I was able to spend some time Tuesday riding around and shopping. Planning on spending the day out and about, I grabbed a bag of dried fruit to snack on. I'm riding around shopping and snacking when I accidentally drop a raisin in my lap. I looked for it but I couldn't find it. So I decided I'd worry about it later. Actually, I dropped more like 5 raisins over the course of the trip, but only one was the culprit.

Well, the worst part is that I got out of the car once and walked into a convenience store. I went into the rest room and thankfully checked the mirror. Because on my jeans.....was the squished raisin. Stuck right to the seat of my pants. And I'm talking squished flat. It took up about the size of a half dollar and was glaringly obvious. And it wasn't coming off with my fingernails. It was horrifying.

I ran back to my car with my purse behind me, drove to the nearest CVS (my favorite place) and bought a Tide pen and a cheap toothbrush. I thankfully had a pair of gym shorts in my backseat. So, I drove around to the back of the CVS, slipped out of my jeans and proceeded to scrub the seat of my pants clean. In a parking lot. In the daytime.

Who knows how long I walked around like that!?

Why me? I must have made someone mad in a past life.....it's karma coming back to get me.

Thank you, Tide. I raise my glass to you. And yes, it's a glass of water so that I don't wind up posting my phone number on this blog!