Out Of The Mouths Of Freshmen

Or, When It Rains, It Pours

And today was a torrent of funny things told to me, explained to me, and overheard by me in my freshmen classes.

First up, in light of the recent Chris Brown arrest, my classroom was a buzz of information regarding Rhianna's condition. Apparently, she has a black eye and a broken jaw. Also, Chris Brown beat her up because she gave him an STD. Sure. And, I learned from a source at the vending machine that she took a pregnancy test backstage at the Grammy's and learned then and there that she was, in fact, with child. Where do they come up with this stuff? But it didn't do any good to argue with them. And I am sure Chris Brown and Rhianna would love to hear what a few high school freshmen claim is the truth. Real talk. (For you less-than-up-to-date-slang-speakers, that means "For real.") It's amazing how rampant rumors run (ha! Alliteration!)

By the way, if you follow that link and read about his arrest, I believe you'll find no mention of broken jaws, STDs or pregnancy tests. They don't even know the woman involved. Try explaining all this to a room full of fired up freshmen girls who
H-E-A-R-T Chris Brown big time. Oh, and by the way, Chris Brown's mom is so mad at him! They somehow knew that, too!

I did have a few guys upset with Chris Brown for beating up a girl. They were incensed that a guy would hit a female. Good boys. They've got good mommas. As one put it "No female makes you THAT mad. Unless she kicks you in the balls." So much for logic. (That was the Cannibal Kid!) I am pretty sure that at that point, Diet Coke shot out of my mouth. He was pretty embarrassed when he found out I'd overheard him!

Then, in conjunction with the 75 degree heat wave, it was a little warm in my room this afternoon. Or, as one kid pointed out, It was "hot as two fish bones." What in the world two fish bones have to do with a certain level of heat, Google couldn't even answer. And no one seemed to find that as completely arbitrary and random as I did! It was, however, much more tasteful than the time another student (a previous freshman) told me "Man, it's hotter than two mice doing it in a wool sock in here." Wow. Now that's hot.

A conversation about Amsterdam:

"Man, I really want to go there. Did you know that prostitutes only cost $1? That's free!"

This might have been the wrong way to approach this, but I opted to, instead of lamenting him for wanting a prostitute that only cost $1, explain the paradox he'd just created by saying something that cost $1 is free. Hey, teachable moments.

"Yeah, man. Amsterdam would be cool. I've never been to Germany."

Well, you still won't have been to Germany if you go to Amsterdam.
Now, this one I did explain. Guess what? He didn't believe me!

Unfortunately, all the talk about cheap prostitutes led into a new discussion on tax-paying citizens. Did you know that pimps are now required to pay taxes? Yep. That's what I learned today. And even if they are, how many of them do you think are honest enough to claim the true source of their income? Something tells me very few.

I also learned today that if you eat more vegetables than you are supposed to, and you drink more milk than you should, you'll grow taller than you are supposed to. Real talk. So Cannibal Kid said he spent all weekend long eating veggies, drinking milk and taking vitamins. He was pretty disappointed when I told him that I was fairly certain it wasn't going to affect his growth. Poor kid. And he only had one glass of soda all weekend long! Well at least he won't be suffering from broken bones.

Hilarious. And just when I was coming off of a week without any good conversations coming from my rooms!

I do feel the need to explain, however, that all of the above lasted for only a fraction of the amount of time it takes to actually read it! I promise we worked hard today! It sounds like we don't do anything! Not the case. Oh, man. I hope no one from the district office reads this!