Qualifying Exams - Round 2

For many PhD programs, candidates are required to complete some kind of qualifying exam process. For me, I had to edit an academic paper so that it is publishable and I had to write a 10 page paper that is a personal reflection on my growth over the course of the program.

Round One went a little something like this:
It started out fine when we were waiting on my advisor and the other two committee members both told me that they think I should submit my edited academic paper for publication. They loved it. And then the questions started.

One committee member asked me if I were to re-write my narrative paper now, how would it be different. I talked about some things going on in my classroom that I probably would have included. But when they began to ask me questions about critical theory and certain theorists that I'd grounded my thinking in, I couldn't answer. I didn't know a single person.

My advisor asked me who I'd been reading recently and I told her I hadn't been. She got pretty concerned and started to tell me that part of this process was to be able to describe the people who have influenced me the most, etc. Another member asked me the question about which critical theorists I liked, and I sat there for a second before I finally said "I am afraid I am not going to do well if this is how this is going to go." I told them that I haven't done any of my major classes in three semesters ago because I've only been able to take statistics classes. And that I haven't been able to schedule much since I haven't done my qualifying exams yet.

My advisor looked at me and said "Can you give us a second?" So I had to step out of the room and try to calm my quivering chin and prevent the tears in my eyes from overflowing. When I came back in, my advisor asked if I was okay. She asked if I was just nervous. I told them all that I hadn't thought I was, but that I had not prepared for a full on defense. I'd been prepared to have a conversation about my narrative and my revised paper. I had gone over exactly what was written in the PhD packet that explains the process. That is the same thing my advisor had sent me. And that was the way I'd prepared. When I said that, my advisor began to apologize to me and to the other committee members saying that she took full responsibility for this and that she had not done an adequate job following up with me to make sure I understood (which she hadn't). She said it was obvious that she needs to rethink this process and she wants to start having her advisees meet with her before they do their qualifying exams. She should never have expected them to just communicate with her via email which is what she and I had been doing.

This whole time I am still sitting there so embarrassed and my face is burning red and I still am trying not to cry. So we spent about 20 minutes with them talking about things they do and how they take notes with them when they have to go into a defense. My advisor said she was wondering why I hadn't brought anything with me, but I didn't know I could. She said that no one expects people to be able to pull theorists and such out of their heads. That also only added to making me feel smaller than I already was feeling. They were all very nice and tried to help me as much as they could so that I can prepare better for the next time.

Having three straight semesters of stats and not having taken a major class screwed me up. They said they couldn't believe that is what I'd been doing (duh - isn't that my advisor's job to know what I am up to????). So it was horrible. When I left I ran straight to my car (literally) and called the Admin and just cried and cried. I felt so stupid.

The admin and my dad both were so upset that my advisor would have been so slack about telling me what to expect. She had continued to stress that it was very informal and a "conversation" so I went in prepared to chat about my paper and my revisions. Nothing else. I kept trying to figure out what part of the responsibility was mine, but I simply followed exactly what my advisor told me to do.

So, round 2 is in one hour and 15 minutes. Holy cow. I am freaking out.